Solacetree

He contacted me after reading some of my work on depression, doubt, and anger at God. As we talked, he expressed affirmation of my rocky spiritual journey, because he battles with those things himself. My friend is a follower of Jesus, with a Christian website, and his writing is full of faith.

Then last week, a bomb arrived in my e-mail box.

Well, Joy, it’s been a couple of days since I told God to go fuck himself, and I still haven’t ...

Absolutely helpless to stop
the coming catastrophe
I can’t alter one iota
or offer any solace
that makes any sense
to the life of one I love
going down without a trace.

I can see his face
in the long-distance line,
hear the terror from entrapment,
all escape routes closed.

I knew this was coming
before it even began –
a risk he had to make
in adult-sized plans
with gambler’s odds against him
that I had to let happen
so he ...

She hadn’t been young for years. Given her history, she hadn’t been young most of her life.  Wrapped in a robe of cigarette smoke, she sat with a Styrofoam coffee cup stuck to her hand, waiting for an appointment with me she didn’t know was on her schedule. I had come to this meeting needing forgiveness, hope, anything but what I had, and told God I would only stay if she was there, and there she was – the one person I ...

Depression feels like being dead while hiding in bed or walking around, breathing air but not life into the bottomless hole. For me, rarely a day goes by without tears that appear without my permission. Do you know how embarrassing that is? For people tend to ignore you, like “nothing’s happening here”. They pretend I’m invisible, because then they don’t have to get involved. I would just ...

My hair is polished silver.  Though I am no longer sleek, I’m sexy and adore my Victoria’s Secret lingerie. I’m not an intellectual, but intelligent and love conversations that engage my brain.  My greatest lessons have been learned from experience, and I’ve earned my wisdom the hard way.  At age 56, I am living my life’s dream at last as a passionate, published full-time author.  And my culture considers me insignificant because I’m no longer twenty or thirty-something, ...

First of all, read my September 3^rd post called “Taz”.  It’s important for you to see her picture before reading this.

OK, you read it, right?
Here’s what happened this weekend.

We had to put Taz down one week ago Saturday.  Bud and I were grieving over this inevitable prospect, but couldn’t bring ourselves to act on it, so Bud said, “Let the vet decide.” This way it wouldn’t be “our fault”. If you’ve had to put a pet down you loved, you ...

It was one of those events I volunteered to attend in case it was a good idea.  Have you ever tried a
new food or recipe on the chance that you’ll love it?  That’s what this dinner was like:  a group of Christian bikers having a meet-and-eat at an inexpensive restaurant.  A member of their group had visited our church and we connected because of our Harleys.  We were invited to join them that week, and we agreed to go.  ...

She just lay there in her own mess – calm, not even trying to clean herself up.  And the last thing I am is calm.  Not agitated, but not at peace, because how do I know if it’s time – the inevitable while we’ve watched her grow more feeble, eating less, walking on wobbly legs.  Lord knows she’s had a long, full life as one of our two-legged and four-legged family.

Yesterday for a few hours she was like an ancient ...

I started writing my book, Uncensored Prayer, about forty years ago.  At the time, the idea of a book didn’t exist.  I wrote poems – my dairy – meant for no one else to read.  Words were solace, a vent, a safe black hole where feelings and thoughts went in and never came out.  Too many times, words had been used as a weapon against me, backed up by actions against which I had no defense.  But in poetry, it ...